Fear Wants You Small. Frack That!
I had a high alert fear trigger for my entire life. Beneath my Rebelized exterior, I was constantly expecting the attack that would finally take me down.
I’d power through my professional world, then go home and sob. Every mistake, every potential threat, every negative comment replayed through my mind, A constant reminder that I was a failure. Yup, I made Imposter Syndrome into an art form.
A series of cosmic events forced me to heal my own mind after I recovered some childhood truths. That's when I finally came to understand my fear and began to heal my trigger.
Then along came social media and the manosphere with their attacks. I've always worked with men who could be aggressive. Hell, I grew up in the old boys' club with all of its brutality.
This was different. The rage bait in our digital world is incomprehensible to me. But it goes far beyond the digital divide. I had a guy wave a gun in my face because I had a mask on during COVID. According to him, I was one of those “libtards” spreading the evil gospel. Are you kidding me?
Like so many women, I began to hesitate. I did just that for quite a while. Until I realized I was silencing myself, which was exactly what they wanted. So I wrote my upcoming book for women living in the manosphere.
I tell you the above so you know I understand what deep fear feels like. I get it. I also learned how to move beyond it.
So many women tell me they are afraid. The world feels as though doors are being slammed in our professional worlds. We are yet again being belittled, ignored and even attacked. The attacks are unchecked online, and are carrying over into real life. I've had women tell me they're afraid to go to the grocery store because of the rage they've witnessed in parking lots or checkout lines. It’s no surprise.
In the meantime, our government is canceling women’s protections, supporting infrastructure, and enforcement. The manosphere is programming men to believe that women are the cause of all their problems. It's a powerful coordinated game plan to knock us back in time.
Living in this constant barrage of attacks activates our minds’ threat-detection systems. As the attacks continue, our minds begin to believe the attack state is our “new normal.” We begin to live in threat mode as our default way of being.
That means we begin to expect a threat. Our minds constantly search for one. Situations that aren’t really threatening can trigger us the same way an actual in our face threat would. We become unconsciously overstimulated.
Your newfound fear is a thought habit that our threat-activated world created through its continuous appearance around you. It becomes coded in your unconscious mind as an expected reality.
Which means you begin to consistently experience that fear even when you’re not threatened. The expectation is enough. A twist in your gut, a sudden need to hold back, stay quiet, and keep your head down. To hide.
The great news is that by recognizing that fear trigger, you can step in front of your unconscious coding.
When Fear Hits Your body
Let’s say you're in a meeting, presenting a new idea from your team. Everyone is nodding their heads in agreement. Except this one guy. He's shaking his head negatively, making grunting noises as he rolls his eyes.
You feel yourself growing hesitant, questioning yourself, your facts and decisions. You have this urge to become small.
Fear automatically makes you get small. The second your threat response triggers, your body instinctively contracts. You drop your eyes, pull your shoulders in, shrink back from your stronger position. That shrinking posture sends an unconscious message to everyone in the room that you’re uncomfortable. It sends the exact same signal back into your own nervous system.
Your body and mind automatically reacted to him.
From Frustration to Fascination
When someone actively disses you, whether it's with body language or nasty comments, your heart rate spikes. You feel that familiar urge to pull out all your data and defend yourself, or perhaps to shrink into oblivion.
The first step is simple. Don't take the bait.
Step in front of your trigger to defend yourself. Instead, become fascinated with what’s happening. Treat his behavior as data, instead of an attack.
Step beyond your fear or frustration and into fascination. Observe the behavior instead of responding to it. Ask yourself questions like What is behind this reaction? What is this person trying to gain? Why would they be threatened?’ Being fascinated and asking questions shifts you out of the threat response and into your logical, observing mind.
That single shift lets you stay calm, observe their strategy, and respond with cold, clear facts.
The goal isn't to win the skirmish. The goal is to become fascinated with what’s going on behind the skirmish. Over time, you dim the trigger and the inappropriate fear goes away.
The Bottom Line
The world is scary right now. That's not in your head.
I’m not sure when the world is going to stop being scary. Which means it’s up to you to choose: face it head on and rise above, or avoid it and live small.
If you choose to rise above, you change where and how you stand in this world.
Fascination is a powerful mindset to do just that. Being fascinated puts you in control of your responses to the world. You pause and read the actual situation instead of immediately being rattled by it.
The threats will probably still be around. Instead of automatically hiding you're now in control of your reaction, making a conscious decision about your next steps.
That is power.