Why Can’t I Just Walk Away?
I’ve always been the gal who charged ahead into the battle, no matter what. I stood my ground and pushed through whatever was in my way. I didn’t walk away from anything, even when I should have.
More than one friend strongly suggested that retreat was my best option, for my mental and physical health. I smiled and nodded, thinking to myself they were wimps. I was proud of my “take the hill” approach to life. I believed that pushing through no matter the cost showed my true stuff. Uh huh.
Most of the women I know were trained to some extent to “never give up, never give in.” We are promised rewards for being the good girl at home, from managing the family’s food, laundry, and dropoffs to soothing fights, tears, and sibling battles.
At work we have an even bigger promise. Work hard and you’ll get ahead. So we do it all, from suggesting innovative business concepts to fueling team performance to cleaning up the mess after the meeting.
We are trained to never ever walk away. How many times have you wished you could just say “Enough?”
The harder the client’s problem, the more eager I was to take it on. I loved taking on the broken winged birds that everyone else said should simply fade away. I’d work 80 hour weeks. When they asked for more I always said yes.
It didn’t matter how bad things got, or how much the situation damaged my mental or physical health. I stayed to prove I could, well, stay.
We Know It’s Time to Go
Have you ever stayed in a relationship that you knew was failing even if he was cheating?
Have you ever stayed in a job where the boss was an ass to you and the work was far beneath you?
Have you ever looked the other way when a friend constantly reached out for you to help but never showed up for you?
I surely did. I took it even farther. I think I had a sign on my forehead that said Users Apply Here. Now, I am a pretty smart cookie. It's not that I didn't know they were taking advantage of me. Although I claimed that for far too long. I KNEW. I just didn’t want to face the alternative, which I viewed as being an outcast, a very bad girl.
Yup, I was searching for approval in all the wrong places. Hope Springs Eternal is not just a saying…it was my mindset.
I hung on to the promise that if I just worked harder I’d get ahead. If I just give enough, care enough, be there enough for others, they will love me.
Promises like that are as old as humanity itself. They are untrue.
JUST Walk Away
I wish I had listened all the times when someone wiser said just that to me. I would have missed so much physical burnout, sobbing and sleepless nights, and just plain heartache.
The fuel for staying? Partially the promises, but also partially the Guilt. Guilt born of being trained to always be a good girl.
I’m done with all of that. It’s mind training, pure and simple. I certainly know how to fix that. So I did. How?
I started putting myself on my own list. The first time I said No to a client who called me at 4am to ask for some ridiculous change to a document, my stomach dropped. I sat there staring at my phone in the dark waiting for the sky to fall. It didn't. The client called at a reasonable hour the next morning and acted like nothing happened. That’s when it hit me. All those years of jumping through insane hoops, and they didn't even notice. That was the crack in the wall.
I don't need their approval anymore. I have my own.
I pay attention to my joy now. One evening I was sitting on my porch watching the sun drop and I realized I couldn't remember the last time I'd done that without a laptop on my knees. Just sat there. Breathing. Feeling the warmth on my face. My mind kept trying to run lists and I kept letting them go. That sunset was the first time I’d sat down and didn't have a deliverable attached to sitting. I'm learning to notice those moments now. The peace watching Presley graze in his pasture. The smile at the end of a day where I came first.
I revel in the simple things that fill my heart in ways no client win ever did.
I know the promise of working hard and getting ahead is as much a fantasy as prince charming. I used to wear my 2am finishes like a badge of honor. Look how hard I work. Look how much I give. Everyone else went home at 7. None of those late nights made me a better woman or professional.
Now I know the truth. Those promises were designed to make me a supporting player in a game that was never designed for me to win.
The Bottom Line
We are all trained to work hard, do it all, and prove ourselves to be the good girl.
Guess what? We already are all of those things. And more.
When we finally hear that truth louder than the training, we begin to believe in ourselves. Next, we take a step away. And another and another. Not from ourselves. From the game that was never ours to win.
That’s when everything worth having walks toward us.